Didn't eat dinner last night, and thus I woke up sick to my stomach. It's an over cast day, which promises a better day ahead, at least for me. There is a lot on my mind, so much in fact that I am having trouble getting my proprieties straight. I keep saying "Tomorrow, I'll begin tomorrow" or "I'll begin next week". I woke up this morning feeling the weight of all the unfulfilled yesterdays on looming over me.
The lack of updates isn't because of a lull in things happening. Usually I forget or the words just don't come. Lately, I've found myself having little to no will or drive to type. When I see the words they tend to have more impact, and usually leave me feeling numb in one way or another.
It's depressing to know that everything I do is just a single step down a long road to actual progress. It's even more depressing to know that I often times ignore progress because I'm scared of it. I can offer advise to others, but I can not take it--a pitfall that many stumble into I suppose.
Bills just keep mounting, a fact that is a lot light a steadily tightening noose about my neck. When my thoughts drift to how much I owe, how little I have gotten done, and how much of the year is already gone I lose my appetite.
Anything that has me sitting in front of a computer leaves me feeling hollow, guilty to the point of taking no joy and finding no real interest in anything. I get the nagging, and often times correct, feeling that I should be doing more with my life. But the whole process seems to be at a perpetual stop. Add to that the fact that I've finally awakened to the fact that I have no friends...and it just makes it all the harder to not hit an escapism phase.
I talk about how much stronger I am than this or that, but I know that it's more a half truth. Truth be told, a lot does bother me. I just swallow down the fact and push forward a few personal feet before I collapse.
Right now I'm doing a lot to become a better person, but it feels like I'm going no where at half speed. Which is actually worse than no where fast, you get to watch yourself mess up your life in slow motion. I need help, but I don't know where to look for it or how to ask.
I had a jolt the other day, woke up finally and decided to begin again, but I wish I knew where to begin.
【おわり】
Depression sucks, and more so when it is something you know you really shouldn't be depressed about as things happened the way they have for the best. Because of the thoughts and feelings I've been having I'd rather sleep through it all--which doesn't help as I know that my sleep will eventually be further disturbed by nightmares.
Last night I had a hard time staying asleep, my mind kept reeling and thus waking me up every few hours. Amazingly enough, I got back to sleep after Yuuji woke me up to say good bye to me before he left for work--which was an odd amount of comforting, despite the fact that I was having another fit of sleep paralysis--which is a bad sign in and of itself.
I am starting to realize that when I am at my emotionally most fragile I start to have mundane dreams which lead right into severe fits of sleep paralysis. I fought with myself for a good three hours before I actually bolted up right in bed, feeling sick to my stomach. Despite the churning acid I can't bring myself to eat. Before I would eat when depressed, now it is the other way around, the sight of food makes me want to throw up. I wish I could find some method of balance when things get like this.
It's weird, feeling myself change in ways that I honestly don't want to. I've always prided myself on learning to be more logical, to eek my emotions in when I want to, and in knowing what it is that I want/don't want. But these days, as I find myself looking at the calendar and realizing how little progress I've made, I find myself feeling as though I have no hopes or goals at all.
I know that I am stronger than this, I know that I have more drive than this. But why does everything feel so much the same, and this year is nearly half way through?
I catch occasional glimmers, quick bursts of feeling, of the former life that I miss. I want to get back to that, but how?
I want to go home tonight so I can curl up in the bathtub in my room and cry. I promised Yuuji I wouldn't cry over this anymore, but it's getting impossible to hold it all back. I've resolved just to not let him see me crying, at least then I can seem normal.
So, I'm away from home right now, the usually couple of day visit to Yuuji. He picked me up shortly after I finished eating lunch, then we went to Blockbuster and then the store. Lately he's gotten into watching bad movies while chugging girly drinks--it's actually fun. Last night we picked up Event Horizon, Toy box, and I am legend. I bet you can tell which two are the horrible movies that we picked out as drinking fodder (even though one was so bad that we didn't end up drinking through it as much as laughing and shaking our heads in sheer disbelief that something could be so bad).
It wasn't long after that that I crawled into bed and went to sleep, and earlier than recent nights no less. Through out the movies I was doing my best to put a terrible thought out of my mind, something that Yuuji and I talked about right before we started watching Event Horizon.
Two months ago my cycles went a little weird and there really wasn't any explanation for it. While waiting for things to get back under control we had many ideas on what could have been wrong, many of which were wrong. Cancer being the main worry was quickly ruled out, as I was fine otherwise. My thyroid problem from my youth was another, but that hadn't been an issue in years.
Eventually the problem cleared up, and all was well in my physical world, so I put it out of my mind. That was until just yesterday when I came out of the bathroom, having started what I hope to be the first of many normal cycles following a month of off bleeding and so on. I didn't want to say it, but I ended up blurting it out anyway.
"I think I might have had a miscarriage."
Yuu sank in his computer chair a little, looked out the bedroom door at me, and went quiet for a few seconds before nodding a little.
"Given how much I was bleeding, the tissue issues, and all."
Usually one to make jokes for my own sake, he remained serious, thinking for a while.
"Actually, I think you might be right.."
The more I read, the more it makes sense--especially given my hormonal imbalances (progesterone deficiency). All sources say that a miscarriage tends to take six weeks from start to finish, which is just how long my last 'period' was. The few times that this happened before they were signs of the onset of my progesterone problem, and years ago at that. The issue was rectified by hormone therapy in the form of iron supplements (for the anemia), standard birth control, and then two years of depo-provera treatment. Due to the side effects I stopped taking the treatment.
Sure, this comes at the odd time of a friend of mine saying that she had a miscarriage herself, which makes me feel all the odder about it. Last night while I was laying down to go to sleep I randomly started crying. I thought I was feeling alright, and I even told Yuu as much, but truth be told I was and still am depressed. Neither Yuu or I want children, but it affected me still some how.
I haven't felt right since honestly. I am, however, really thankful that Yuu has been sweet to me since then (more so than usual). He spent most of the night with his head on my shoulder or cuddling me in bed. I don't mind being treated like a human stuffed bear, especially not right now.
In other news, I'm resolved to get re-addicted to working out. I liked the high from it, the crushing waves of tired that came over me when I finally managed to crawl into bed.
Anyway, I'm going to nudge Yuuji awake and see what he wants to do about lunch.
I feel a lot better, having left the cesspool of false friendship and glass shoulders to lean on known as Livejournal (here on out dubbed liejounal). Having thought, for even a second, that those people cared for me leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.
They say "A penny for your thoughts", some of the 'friends' (and I use that word very liberally) that I had on that site were honestly worth that much. Filthy whores whom gleefully broke up marriages,men looking to either find a quick fix to their fucked up relationships or someone to cheat with, idiotic children who ignore their problems by getting deeply entrenched in their obsessions, and people who were dutiful to being blind to the fact that those around them were human.
Once you stopped placating them, coddling them, and showering them with attention and affection they ill earned or deserved they ignored you--able to find more gullible cheerleaders to help them make it through one superficial crisis to the next.
Do not misunderstand or misinterpret, I did and do still have friends whom frequent that site--but in all honesty they were few and far between. They know who they are, they know how much I trust(ed) them, and above all else they know I will still be there for them.
Some of the things I read on my friend's list actually drove me to drink, and heavily. No truer words have been spake, "Misery loves company", and the masses over on Liejournal treat friends more like Pokemon cards--something you collect, adore for a few months, and then get bored of.
I grew tired of having to forsake my own moral code just to be friends with someone. Reading, every day, about things with I knew to be utterly wrong--no matter how you looked it it--grew to be too much. Watching as people patted others on the back of such actions, or were likewise treated like traitors for not giving the same words of encouragement.
Few like to listen to the voice of reason. Often times I've wanted to say: "The man has a child who is only eight years younger than you, he is still married,think things through", "You were kicked out because you fucked her boyfriend regardless of the fact that the wounds from their break up were only a few days old". "If you really were getting beaten by your mother, your friends had every right to call the police", and "Shut the hell up about Bleach. It is pathetic, and a damned shame, that you went to Japan just because of your unhealthy obsession with that show". Sure, those aren't the only thoughts, but I'm sure the gist is gotten.
In not saying anything I was no better, and I plan on making things right. I will no longer swallow down the words that need to be said. A twunt is a twunt, no matter how you try to mask the soppy folds and rank smell.
The beginning and the end all in one, I think it's fitting.
